Thursday, June 25, 2009

Sadness, Struggling, and Answers

This past week has been one long happy yet extremely devestating week. Last Thursday, Catie stood up on her own, in the middle of the room and on a few occasions, walked to me or Barrie. We are so proud of her! Then Saturday sent us on a whirl wind downhill. Saturday morning, we awoke to Catie having another seizure. She had one about 2 months ago when she had a high fever. Her doctor told us that she more than likely wont have another one because it was high fever related. Well, yeah. Saturday morning she just started seizing. It went on for 2-2 1/2 minutes. She was cool as can be, so we called the paramedics. She stopped seizing just before they got there. They checked her out, noticed that she did spike a fever after. We took her to Primary Children's hospital to have her checked out. Her urine and other testing for viruses/flu/ect all came back normal. Her pediatritian on call said for us to have a brain MRI and an EEG, then to see a Neurologist. The MRI and EEg will tell us if she is having fever related seizures which she would grow out of about the age of 5, or if there is in fact a problem to where she has a seizure disorder. Ok, so we went Tuesday am to have her MRI. She came out of the test fine, Barrie kissed her and went off to work. I was hanging out with her untul the anesthesia wore off then we could go home. The radiologist came to talk to me about her scan. He said that it was a good thing that we were sent in to get her tested as soon as we did. There were some brain abnormalities that were found some relating to her having seizures. He said that these seizures wont go away, and that the neurologist will discuss things with us about her being on medication. Next he said that her corpus calllosum, an area of the brain that helps sends messages back and forth to each side of the brain was abnormally small - that it probably didnt completely form when she was in-utero. This can cause lack of coordination (which she has), developemental delays (which she has), impaired vision (which she has), facial/head abnormalities (which she does a small bit - her eyes are wider apart - the upper limit of normal), and mental retardation (which thankfully she doesnt show any signs of ).
I am doing better with all this right now. We see the neurologist on Monday. We will know more. I am having my good moments and bad moments. At times I feel like what did I do wrong when I was pregnant or what should I have done differently? I know I am not the cause of any of this, but I feel this way at times. I look at my little princess and constatnly question why this has to be her, why doe sshe have to be given so much at such a tiny stage in her life.Is it going to stop for her. Will she be ok, will she ever be able to run and jump like other children. Will she excell in school, will she be able to be in a "normal" school if there is such a thing. I hate having people stare at me and be the center of attention. I dont want people doing that to her. Kids are mean.
PLease please dont get me wrong here. I am so in love with my little bug. I wouldnt trade her for anything in or out of this world. I would never trade her for a little on with out problems. I think I am the most luckiest person in the world to be blessed with Catie. She is the most amazing little one I think I have ever met.
I had to take a few minutes away. I didnt want Catie seeing me cry. Ok, I am doing good now. The past few days, I have been really thinking about Heavenly Father and Jesus Christ. I have been feeling really close to Heavenly Father in the fact that my heart breaks thinking of Cate and all that she has gone through and what she will go through. I look at Jesus Christ and see only a glimps of what Heavenly Father must have felt to see his most beloved son go through all the pain, torture, sadness, loneliness that he did. To think that Jesus went though so much more than Catie, that he went through exactly what she is and will go though and that if he can do it she can too.